Does your agency have a Suggestion Box online, or perhaps one in the department lobby? Do they solicit input from the public? Of course the goal is to discover methods to improve our service. But I have a few suggestions that would improve police morale based upon the absurdity of a select few that we “serve.”
In a perfect world, justice would be distributed and all good citizens would consistently agree on the appropriate consequences for people behaving badly. Since we do not live in a perfect world, we have no such penalty. But it doesn’t mean we can’t dream.
In my vision, I have developed consequences for people you will recognize if you work in law enforcement. We have dealt with them, and in some cases been required to write policies to counter their bizarre behavior. These are people who lack self-awareness and behave like fools.
My Suggestion Box contains items that will hopefully bring humor to your day, but they are unlikely to become reality any time soon!
- Anyone who spits on a police officer is sentenced to cleaning toilets and picking up dog crap in the city park.
- Anyone who vomits, urinates, or defecates in a police unit due to drug or alcohol ingestion serves part of his or her sentence alongside the spitters.
- A person who marks the police lobby with graffiti while waiting to be served receives a temporary tattoo that says, “I support the police” and is required to wear it for one month.
- A suspect in custody who kicks out the rear window in a police car is required to serve time at the local dojo serving as a guinea pig for the Jui Jitsu instructor demonstrating moves for students.
- A criminal defendant who gets bitten by a police K9 after several warnings to surrender is required to wear bandages that say, “I’m stupid” (à la Bill Engvall shtick) until the wounds heal.
- Anyone who claims to pay our salary is required to do so immediately at the city/county cashier’s office. Of course the contribution can be deducted from their taxes—assuming they actually pay any.
- Publicize video recordings of combative suspects getting tased as PSA spots during National Night Out.
- Anyone charged with interfering or resisting arrest during National Police Week is subject to twice the penalty upon conviction—similar to a traffic violation in a construction zone.
- A person who intentionally wads a roll of toilet paper in the commode in their cell is required to use an article of personal clothing next time they need TP.
- A citizen who insists a children’s birthday party is disturbing the peace at 2:00 p.m. on Saturday afternoon should be required to clean up when the kid’s party is over.
- Any adult who victimizes a child or the elderly receives a sentencing enhancement of “special class.” The instructors at this forum are the biggest, baddest, and rudest individuals ever to wear a uniform. Personalized lesson plans are devised based upon the crime.
- Any adult who throws a childlike temper tantrum directed at us for doing our job is given a coloring book and some crayons and placed in timeout at the local library. They are told to color until they can find their “happy place.”
- A person making old jokes about cops and donuts will be directed to a YouTube video of Rodney Dangerfield’s greatest hits.
- A person who argues and then claims to be an attorney will owe us a $100 tuition fee, as we usually need to teach this person a lesson in criminal law.
- A politician or their family member claiming to be above the law can join those who spit, vomit, urinate, and crap (see #1 and #2) cleaning up nasty stuff in public parks.
If any suggestion is currently in place, or becomes reality in the future, I would enjoy hearing about it. Until then, be safe!
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