• Home
  • Contact
  • About Us
  • Authors
  • Advertise
  • Categories
    • Archives
    • Chaplain
    • Crime & Controversy
    • Community
    • Cop Humor
    • Editorial
    • Op-ed
    • Gear & Technology
    • Investigations
    • Laws & Legal
    • Leadership
    • News
    • Officer Down
    • On Duty
    • Tactics
  • Network
    • Illinois Network
    • Minneapolis Network
    • Tulsa Network
    • Wauwatosa Network
No Result
View All Result
Law Officer
Law Officer
No Result
View All Result

“Mr. God”

January 10, 2021
Dave OberhofferbyDave Oberhoffer
in Cop Humor
God

(Shutterstock)

445
SHARES
1.9k
VIEWS
Share and speak up for justice, law & order...

In my line of work, you get to meet all the wonderfully diverse and different types of human beings. Occasionally, you’ll get to talk with them, enjoy their company, and then put handcuffs on them.

Looking back at the span of my career, I’ve met famous movie stars (Clint), legendary authors (Danielle), and waaay too many two-faced lying politicians and other criminals.

Usually to meet somebody really notable, you have to work as a cop in one of the swankier areas of San Francisco, hire out as a rent-a-gun, or have fate toss you a bone.

I met one of the still-humorous members of that last group at the corner of 16th St. and South Van Ness one summer.

I had just finished my priority # 2 for the day, which was “meeting” the new summer crop of street walkers who worked the Stroll on Hoff alley, and added their biographies into my famous “B” book.

Priority #3 was going through the check-in registers of the local flop houses that festered in this area to see if I had active warrants for some of their patrons. I noted a few average pending arrests at the Indiana Hotel, while I had high hopes for an interesting ADW felony warrant for Big Johnnie B, who had (mistakenly) checked in overnight with one of his five well-known AKA’s at the Argonne.

In that Mr. B was unfortunately not in his room at the moment, no doubt up to no good nearby, I decided to give in to priority #1, and have a cup of coffee and some spring rolls at the Chinese Café while I observed the area.

  • MR. STINKY

I have close to a photographic memory for certain things, so I can almost still “see” that area: The Chinese Café had the south west corner with the Argonne entrance next store. The north west location was a big multi pump Arco Gas Station that had a large parking lot for Johns and Whores to use after dark.

Across the street was the big full-service car wash that the City had a contract with to wash the cruisers and vans from Mission station. The SF City Adult Parole Department also had a contract with the car wash management at this location to provide convicted felons to wash the cars that in some cases had taken them to jail only recently.

The last corner had a very profitable car dealership with a large MUNI bus stop directly in front of their showroom entrance.

The Chinese Café had a very florid faux Hollywood décor, great food, and of course, a staff that was from Nigeria. It also had a corner booth that gave me a 270-degree view of things that a good beat cop needed to watch.

I had paid my tab, and was about to push back into the blazing sunshine again when my radio blurted out the following:

“Man exposing himself to Muni bus riders Corner of one-six and South Van. Incident is in progress. Unit to respond??

I was actually looking at the crowded bus 20 feet away, and while I couldn’t see anything yet, I told Communications that I was 10-97. Sometimes a good response time is a matter of luck.

The bus pulled away in a puff of diesel smoke before I could even cross the street, leaving me with a clear view of a solitary businessman wearing an uncharacteristic trench coat and a slouch hat sitting on the bus bench.

Hmmm.

The back of my mind was saying that this is too classic a scenario to be real, but the front part of my cop-mind was figuring how I could work this caper.

I told Police radio to keep marked cars out of the area, and then used traffic to work my way without being seen into the side entrance of the Jeep dealership.

  • BOBBY SHOE-SHINE

I braced the sales manager at his desk, telling him I wanted to look through his windows at the slouch hat guy sitting at the Muni stop. With all the huge card-board cutouts and other advertising junk, I was pretty sure I was invisible as I angled myself to watch the guy on the bench.

A gaggle of female Chinese sweat-shop-hour-workers bustled over, just in time for the next Number 23 Downtown Express. Slouch hat just sat there, apparently looking at the skyline.

As soon as the last gal got on the bus, and I watched it angle its front tires to pull away, The Hat man stood up, and pulled the edges of his trench coat wide open like a butterfly loving the sun. From the reflection of his now naked torso in the bus windows, and from the open-mouthed faces of the witnessing seamstresses, I was damn sure that this was one pretty sick insect.

POUNCE!

I was past the showroom door and standing at the edge of the bus bench before my al fresco crook even had time to refasten his coat belt.

Surprise being its own back-up cop, I had him cuffed up instantly. Outside of checking the coat pockets, my arrest search was very brief, which was good because I didn’t want to touch him at all unless I was wearing a pair of my issue (forgotten) surgical gloves.

In checking the “crime scene” I found that the back of my mind was correct: He had a pair of cut-off dress pant legs taped above his knees, and a dress shirt that was similarly trimmed off from about mid-chest downwards.

Classic.

The fun part was not over, however. After I asked a Southern District squad car to locate the bus and about 10 or 12 victims for me (“Don’t worry, I’ll do the report!”). I asked my quarry what his name was.

“My driver’s license in my left pocket, and My Son, you’ll be in big trouble if you don’t release me soon.”

I didn’t get the “My Son” angle until I read his California Drivers License.

It OFFICIALLY identified my flasher here as “Ignatius Mandamus GOD”

Using the shortened version, I was certain he would sign the booking card later as

“I. M. GOD”

Yes, the State of California in its infinite Department of Motor Vehicles wisdom, had taken some phonied up no-doubt homemade paperwork, and given Mr. God here its official blessing.

I was just semi-thankful that he had a local address, so that complication wouldn’t interfere in what was already looking like a monumentally complicated 10 witness arrest report.

When we got to the station, and I hilariously took my version of “Before and After “evidence photos (Coat Closed-Coat Open). The Station Keeper Booking Officer asked me what name to put on the blue card. I tossed him the CDL, and said if anybody asked me what I had done, I was going to say:

“I arrested God today!”

10-7

– Dave Oberhoffer, retired, San Francisco Police Department

 


Share and speak up for justice, law & order...
Tags: flasherMr. God
Dave Oberhoffer

Dave Oberhoffer

Dave Oberhoffer started a law-enforcement career in 1979, having survived the Vietnam War, and owning an Irish Pub. His San Francisco Police Department assignments were: Walking a foot-beat, numerous sector car assignments, and Vice and Narcotics work. As an Inspector, he was then assigned to the Special Investigations Division for five years. This was followed by work as a Squad Sergeant running a team in the housing projects on Potrero Hill. As a Lieutenant, he ran the Records Division, the Crime Scene Investigation Unit (CSI), and was a Watch Commander in four different districts, retiring at the San Francisco Airport.  After retirement, Dave had a cup-of-coffee as a small-town Chief of Police, and then taught Law Enforcement Studies at several Bay Area Colleges.

Law Officer Badge Blue

Donate & Help Support Law Officer

Donate now and help support justice, law & order
Your donation is tax-deductible.

Related Posts

No Content Available
Load More
Book: The Courageous Police Leader

Latest Articles

BLM

Breonna Taylor’s Mom Calls ‘Black Lives Matter’ Frauds

April 16, 2021
1.2k
Patrisse Cullors

Social media blatantly censors story of BLM co-founder’s home purchases

April 16, 2021
1.5k
Investigation

FBI interviewed FedEx shooter last year

April 16, 2021
2.7k
Louisville police sergeant

Simon & Schuster won’t distribute book by Louisville cop shot in Breonna Taylor incident

April 16, 2021
1.6k

Chicago street gang threatens to shoot police after deadly-force Incident

April 16, 2021
15.1k

Video: Car jumps Florida drawbridge

April 16, 2021
1.8k
Load More

Liberty University offers affordable tuition and a 25% discount for law officers and first responders.

Follow your Law Officer Local Network:

  • Illinois
  • Minneapolis, MN
  • New York, NY
  • Tulsa, OK
  • Wauwatosa, WI

More coming soon. Follow the news related justice, law, and order in your local area—and stand up and speak out.


Please donate and help support Law Officer

Must Read

Officer expresses shock

Officer expresses shock after shooting combative suspect with firearm instead of Taser

April 12, 2021
12.9k
Texas police sergeant

Qualified immunity is an endangered species

April 2, 2021
2.4k
sedition charges

DOJ quietly acknowledges there was no sedition at the US Capitol

March 30, 2021
152.7k
Source: Tito Texidor III, unsplash

Duping the ‘woke’—a new kind of criminality in America

March 26, 2021
4.6k
Source: bantersnaps, unsplash

Are Asian-Americans victims of ‘white terror’—or the media?

March 21, 2021
4.5k
Load More

Stand up & speak out!

Gab with us—fight censorship!

Most Popular

Nashville officer

Graphic video shows deadly encounter between Nashville officer and Tennessee woman

March 15, 2021
221.4k
New Mexico State Police

New Mexico State Police release horrifying video of officer’s murder

April 11, 2021
56.8k

Journalist: Derek Chauvin ‘will be acquitted’; alleged drug dealer invokes the Fifth Amendment

April 1, 2021
93.1k
ears

Florida man reportedly pulled out human ears when questioned about grandfather’s murder

March 15, 2021
71.4k

Police union leader speaks unpopular truth: Duante Wright shares blame in his own death

April 14, 2021
18.8k

More from Law Officer

  • Archives (12,812)
  • Chaplain (74)
  • Chauvin Trial (14)
  • Community (128)
  • Cop Humor (15)
  • Crime & Controversy (130)
  • Editorial (458)
  • Gear & Technology (64)
  • Investigations (2,433)
  • Laws & Legal (1,315)
  • Leadership (477)
  • News (6,007)
  • Officer Down (806)
  • On Duty (91)
  • Op-ed (600)
  • Reference (1)
  • Tactics (405)

LA Police Gear

Law Officer

© 2021 LawOfficer.com

LawOfficer.com

  • Home
  • About
  • Advertise
  • Privacy Policy
  • Corrections
  • Contact

Speak up for justice, law & order

No Result
View All Result
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Advertise
  • Contact Us
  • Law Officer Networks
    • Illinois Network
    • Minneapolis Network
    • NYC Network
    • Tulsa Network
    • Wauwatosa Network
    • Join the Network!

© 2021 LawOfficer.com