Law enforcement is a tough job. Physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding, it takes a rare sort to answer the call and take the oath to serve and protect. And, for better or for worse, no one escapes a 20- or 30-year LE career unchanged.
Marriage is tougher. At least, building a truly successful, long-term, "riding-out-the-storms" marriage is hard, demanding work. For better or for worse, no one goes through a 40-, 50-, or 60-year marriage unchanged.
So, if law enforcement and marriage are both difficult and demanding endeavors, how hard must it be to build a successful law enforcement marriage where one or both partners is an LEO? Apparently, it is very difficult if the evidence is to be believed. Quoted statistics traditionally have held that 40-50% of marriages will end in divorce, and among certain "high-stress" professions (i.e. law enforcement, medical professions, and the military, to name a few) the rates are even higher. There are many marriages and relationships that never end in divorce, but have suffered just the same.
No one would argue officer safety and street survival skills are critical for surviving a police career. Unfortunately, the non-tactical survival skills are rarely taught. Many cops survive a lengthy career only to find their closest relationships away from the job are casualties. So, if you are married or in a long-term relationship, or planning to "take the plunge," read on. What follows are six principles we believe will help your relationship not just survive, but flourish.
The Marriage Comes First
During most traditional church weddings, the new couple vows "to forsake all others." To most people that means, quite correctly, they vow to forsake and forego intimate relations with anyone of the opposite sex who is not their spouse. Although that is one correct interpretation of the vow, it is incomplete. The first, and most important, principle for a successful marriage is that each person places their spouse, and by extension the marriage itself, above all other earthly relationships. This means your marriage comes before your parents, your siblings, your job, Sunday softball league, and the kids. It comes before even Fantasy Football.
Here's the catch. If both of you are first committed to each other and the marriage, the relationship will be on solid ground and there will be room for those other things. If the husband or wife of a cop is committed to their LEO spouse, they will know that sometimes sacrifice is necessary, even noble. Holidays and functions will sometimes be missed, plans will be changed at the last minute, and energy will need to be directed toward the department in order to get ahead. All fine and to be expected sometimes, but if you are the LEO in the couple always remember to bring the marriage back to the forefront.
Take great pride in your law enforcement career; it is important and you are important. Just never forget what is more important.
Commit to Loving Each Other
This seems pretty obvious, but is actually harder than it sounds. The trick is to stop thinking about love as a feeling you have and to start thinking about it as something you do. Make love a verb in your life.
You love your spouse with the words you use with them and when speaking about them, whether they are present or not. You love them with how you treat them and with what you do for them, whether they are aware of it or not. You love them with the thoughts you have about them, whether they know what you are thinking or not.
You love them even when you do not like them very much. And then, even when you are not feeling the love but you are still doing love, you eventually start to feel love for them again. Okay, enough gooey stuff…
Communication is Key
Talk to one another. Talk about music, TV, politics, the kids, the pets, sports, what happened at work, your thoughts, their feelings, who will win American Idol or anything else at all. Vent your thoughts to your spouse about what a jerk Sgt/Lt/Capt (fill in name of most hated supervisor) is. Listen carefully when they talk. Go deep or stay shallow, just as long as you stay face-to-face. It is when couples stop talking, or limit their communication to brief "business meetings," that relationships start to suffer.
You do not need to be constantly talking, but regular communication is a must. A regular flow of words, respectfully uttered and carefully heard, keeps a marriage fresh.
Understand the "Power of Words"
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Yeah, right.
Bones mend and bruises fade. Memories of the pain of physical injury disappear quickly and completely. But think back to a stinging insult or rejection delivered by someone you thought was a friend and notice how intensely that emotional pain is recalled, sometimes even decades later.
Words hurt.
In her practice as a therapist, Althea has seen hundreds of couples in pain as their marriages are crumbling. And more than infidelity, more than addiction, more than sex or money problems, the biggest source of pain in the marriages are the sharp words wielded as weapons. Eventually, no amount of apologizing, repentance, or correction can erase the damage done. The memories are too painful.
If you are committed to being a good spouse, be committed to using only words that build up your spouse, even in anger. We made a commitment early on in our relationship to never yell at each other. We also know that sometimes it is best to wait a day or two to bring up anger. It is amazing how time changes a perspective and mellows anger. We have occasionally slipped up, but correct it quickly, and have rarely had to apologize for "saying something we did not mean."
Be Intentional About Spending Time Together
Police work places difficult demands on time. Shift work, weekends, holidays, overtime, and callbacks all impact the LE marriage. It is crucial you set aside time that cannot be impacted by the job. Jealously guard date nights, vacations, and "must attend" special events. There is nothing wrong with being a dedicated employee… until work becomes your "mistress."
Learn When to NOT be a Cop
When driving off duty, Mike often gets caught up scanning license plates and peering into surrounding vehicles. If he sees someone blow a red light, his hand moves to switch on his overheads to give chase (as if he could catch anyone in his 4-cylider Honda CR-V). And he will instinctively focus on and inch toward signs of strain or conflict between people he does not even know. Cop instincts become second nature.
Those instincts cause trouble when they intrude in our marriage though. In many law enforcement marriages, the same behaviors, instincts, and traits that protect the officer on the job are killing the relationship. Responding to conflict with an authoritative command voice and dominating physical presence establishes control and safety on the street. It is not such a good idea at home. You MUST take yourself out of the police role and put yourself in the role of husband or wife, treating your spouse with respect as an equal, not a "subject." Soften up and take off the badge. You don't need it at home.
The six principles we have provided have served us well in our own marriage, and in Althea's work as a therapist. Marriage is tough work, but if you are willing to do the work it is well worth it.
