People say dumb things to police all the time. If you work in law enforcement, you know the drill. For others, here is a list of things people say that make cops roll their eyes. Why? Because we’ve heard these comments a thousand times.
Since we’ve heard these statements time and time again, we have several snarky replies, but can’t actually say them because our “self-righteous” adversaries are ultra-sensitive. However, since I’m retired, I’ll let you know what I typically thought and occasionally uttered to a knucklehead who offered me some “pearl of wisdom.”
“I pay your salary.” … “Thank you very much, you’re also contributing to my pension.”
“I didn’t do it!” … “Well, you have ‘guilt’ written all over!”
“Is this road closed?” … “Nope, the sign is for everyone but you! Nevertheless, here’s your (stupid) sign (ala Bill Engvall).”
“Give me your name and badge number?” … “It’s right here, on my uniform. Are you able to read?”
“How many people have you shot?” … “One every day, but those are just city administrators. I don’t shoot as many crooks.”
“Pigs in a blanket, fry ‘em like bacon.” … “Oh please, can’t you come up with something new?”
“Take that badge off and I’ll kick your ass.” … “What’s stopping you from trying now?”
“Do you think I need an attorney?” … “Oh yeah, but I think you should cleanse your soul and tell me first what you did.”
While making a traffic stop, “Don’t you have anything better to do?” … “Nope! Two more tickets and I get a free iPhone.”
“I know the chief.” … “Yep, the boss is a popular person around town.”
“Look junior,” the parent says to a young child, “there is a police officer who will arrest you if you don’t behave.” … While looking at the child, I say, “No, actually I’m going to smack your parent for making such a stupid threat.”
“Why don’t you arrest ‘REAL’ criminals instead of harassing me?” … “At the moment we can’t find any ‘real’ crooks, so we thought we’d annoy obnoxious people like you.”
“My Dad’s a LAWYER!!! I’ll have your JOB!!!” … “Be sure to go to the back of the line.”
“I’m not operating my car, I’m traveling.” … “Okay, be sure to travel to court on the appropriate date, otherwise the ticket will go to warrant.”
“You have to let me go, you didn’t read me my rights.” … “I knew I forgot something. … Hang on. … Okay, you have the right to remain silent, but since you didn’t, we get to hold you until we’re finished.”
“You can’t tell me what to do.” … “I can, and I am. If you fail to comply, the next thing you’ll hear me say is, ‘Put your hands behind your back.'”
“I only had two beers.” … “Were they each served in a five-gallon bucket?”
“These aren’t my pants,” says the drug user after police find a bindle of dope in the front pocket…. “Let me guess. You borrowed them from a friend, but can’t remember his name, right?”
“How long have you been a cop?” … “Long enough to know how to complete this booking form.”
“You’re not a real cop.” … “Let’s see if these are real handcuffs.”
Do you have others? How about a terse reply to one mentioned above? Share it with us.
