We frequently read articles about leadership. These “how to” journals help make the most of our position of influence. Yet they don’t necessarily cover everyone in a position of authority.
Therefore, this commentary is for you, the self-identified, brilliant commander that no one understands, because quite honestly, they are not as smart as you.
People who write these “well-intentioned” exposés about being in command don’t understand your brilliance, the magnificence of your mere presence, or the degrading reality you’d experience by “serving” others through leadership, versus steamrolling them because of their stupidity.
Therefore, let’s look at five ways you can crush subordinates and put them in their rightful place—looking up at your royal eminence!
You can afford to be stubborn, because you’re right. It doesn’t matter what others think. Hold your ground; make them acquiesce to your demands. If you budge you’ll be sorry because it shows weakness and lack of resolve. Dig in for a fight if necessary.
That’s right, you are unteachable because you already know everything. When will others come to this realization? It’s all right to be overbearing. It might be the only way to convince subordinates of your brilliance.
Resist Doing the Right Thing
“Doing the right thing” is yesterday’s cliché. Have you heard that “Good guys finish last?” That’s because they’re trying to “do the right thing.”
Abandon this stupid nonsense. Do what is right for you! While practicing this principle, you’ll not only crush subordinates, you’ll stomp on peers as well. Moreover, when you really perfect this talent, you can latently push bosses aside too. Go for it!
Right next to being stubborn, this one might be the most enjoyable. Tell people to “shut up,” but don’t simply use words. Become a brash, arrogant bully that stifles independent thought and creative solutions. If you wanted to encourage such remedies, you’d be in social work, but you’re not! You’re the most self-righteous, rigid, S.O.B. known in your department.
Furthermore, you’ve earned this stellar reputation by silencing nitwits that have challenged your stripes, bars, and stars.
As a result, don’t let your foot off their collective necks. When you enter a room there should be hushed silence, because your opinion is the only one that matters.
You are an exemption to hypocrisy, because rules apply to subordinates, not you. By the way, embrace the word “subordinate.” You need to use it whenever possible to remind people that you’re “the boss” and they are not. Place your rank in every sentence if necessary as a not-so-subtle reminder.
So when it comes to rules, remember they apply to … who? … That’s right, SUBORDINATES!
So go on, you can “write ‘em” and “break ‘em” whenever you’d like, because no one holds you accountable!
That should help weaponize your authority. After all, you don’t want anyone to prevail as you battle for supremacy, right?
– Jim McNeff
Author’s note: If this satirical piece did not identify with your senses, here are some leadership articles that you might find useful: