At the Golden Gate Law School graduation that I went to a few years back, the keynote speaker, the Dean of the school, started his address thusly:
“Congratulations, Graduates, you have made it! Welcome to the ranks of the unemployed.”
As of 05/01/2025 (as in the appropriately named May Day cry for help), there were 266,000 lawyers licensed to practice law in the State of California. Of this number, 190,000 are “active”. The rest are unsuccessfully chasing ambulances, handing out business cards in hospital parking lots, tending bar in strip joints, or selling used cars in Los Angeles, I imagine.
According to the California Peace Officer Standards and Training folks, there are 76,300 sworn law enforcement officers in my state.
My iPhone calculator says that that means that there are almost 2.5 hungry Law School Graduates for every cop.
(Unimportant trivia factoid: The ACLU has FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND
MEMBERS, including 2,000 attorneys)
Cops are problem solvers by profession
I keep hearing in the unbiased broadcast news, and also in reading equally dubiously neutral pieces on the internet, how terrible it is nowadays with so many people on the street suffering from a “mental health crisis,” caused mainly by massive drug addiction ( fentanyl) or other traumas ( take your pick).
Remember the “War on Drugs”? Well, I, Law Enforcement, lost those battles at every possible expensive level.
(And by the way, thank you for the overtime cards, I love my new boat!)
Weed is legal in California, Portland, Oregon, has/will be legalizing “shrooms” soon, the so-called Health Department in San Francisco is handing out free hypodermic needles on just about every corner, and there is a never-ending clamor to legalize just about everything “on-demand”.
Problem, meet solution.
Thanks to anti-police activists, no one wants to be a cop anymore. (yes, children, donut shop profits are waaay down), Street-level mental health incidents are out of control, and we have more lawyers than cops by a wide margin.
Irony alert: There are almost the same number of “non-practicing lawyers.”
(76,000), as there are trained law enforcement professionals (also 76,000) in California, not to mention the ones that are lurking in the hallways by courtrooms, and in the clubhouses of every golf course around the state.
It’s a happy coincidence.
Proposal:
For every police car on patrol in any jurisdiction, the local bar association (in concert with the ACLU, et cetera) will have an assigned companion vehicle called a “Crisis Sled”. A Licensed Attorney, a trained Social Worker, and a Mental Health Clinician will occupy this van. The attorney will have an issued copy of the local Police Department General Orders, which he must be able to quote verbatim from when requested. The social worker will have applicable City/County/State listed resources on hand as well as a supply of aerosolized Narcan and any/all drug overdose medications. The third member of this trio will have an issued long-sleeve restraint coat (with buttons on the back, of course) that features mandatory arm, chest, and head restraint tie-downs, as well as the ability to quote (by memory) from the Welfare and Institutions Code section 5150.
All members of the CS van must speak at least three different languages and be able to sing “Kumbaya” in an a cappella style.
CS Van occupants will wear distinctive uniforms as described below.
Lawyer: A three-piece Armani-Clone suit and tie ensemble, complete with a 4button color contrasting vest, and patent leather penny-loafer shoes, is required here. The wearing of socks is prohibited. An ersatz Rolex Submariner watch is optional but recommended.
Social Worker: This person will be assigned a comfortable sweatsuit and Air Jordan running shoes, which have been treated previously to resist fluids that may be thrown or vomited. A multi-pocket yellow Day-Glo safety vest is required to be worn, allowing for the carrying of all handoutable flyers and information packets needed for field distribution. A “fanny pack” decorated with multiple Dollar $ sign decals and prominently labeled “cash inside” will be worn over the safety vest.
Mental Health Specialist: During time spent in the local hospital ER intake clinic, attire will consist of a full-length, bright white lab coat and ER orderly semi-transparent paper fabric pant scrubs in either vomit green or stomach-bile yellow colors. A hospital emblem and a worn-around-the-neck black rubber stethoscope are suggested for visual effect. The scope need not work.
Kevlar vests may be worn under the assigned uniforms, but only so as to make the wearer hot, uncomfortable, and unable to bend over to tie their shoes.
Self-defense Bear Spray dispensers will be issued in the 30-gallon container size, but only allowed to be used after receiving WRITTEN permission in triplicate from the CS vans attorney in residence on case-by-case basis. Incident procedure:
A Police car will receive a dispatch and shortly thereafter arrive on the scene. After surveying the incident from the safety of the marked unit, police will determine if a criminal event has occurred, or if this is a “CS” occurrence. A verbal reporting survey to inform the now responding CS unit will commence.
This survey will include details such as:
Note: Activity seen (must be independently witnessed)
1) Clothing worn by the suspect, if any.
2)Volume of and content of shouting and/or screaming ongoing. (include language and content when possible, keeping in mind profanity is not allowed to be broadcast as per Federal FCC regulations)
3) Naked man seen urinating on a bus bench
4)Man, dancing on car roof out of tune to music from the corner record store
5) HOBO is trying to barbecue a cat in the alley. Notify the Fire Department as backup! \ 6) Unhoused substance abuser found sleeping under a school bus
As outlined before, these types of incidents do not require a uniform Police response.
After doing a status check on the exact situation, and broadcasting an informational summary, a Police Unit at the scene of such calls would be authorized to inform Police Dispatch
“This is a MAJOR CS call. We are going to take 7M at Hunts Doughnuts now.”
No police reports required or allowed, no (police or other) injuries, no policy or law violations, no news crews pontificating, and no weasel-worded lawsuits.
The responding CS unit would be totally responsible for any outcome after this/
Oh, and in the “Balancing of Lady Justices scales, the body-cam videos from each of the CS occupants will be reviewed by a panel of senior Law Enforcement officers, and no more than 7 self-appointed politicians in training.
Problems solved.
10-7
