In last month's article, Survival Skills for Police Marriages (linked below), we presented six principles to strengthen and "keep alive" law enforcement marriages. Few would dispute that a law enforcement career is hard on marriage and family life, and that protecting the marriage and family requires diligence and hard work. But it is just as important to be aware of how your career impacts other aspects of your personal life. How does the job affect relationships with extended family and old friends? How does it compete with your other interests? How does it change the way you view and interact with the world both on and, more importantly, off duty? How does it impact how you see yourself in relation to the world?
We all know the potential physical dangers police officers face every day. Yours is a risky career. But what about other dangers posed by the job? How has your career impacted your family and friends, your attitude, your worldview?
Who were you then? Who are you now?
For the new officer, every shift is exciting and new and every radio call an adventure. The learning curve is steep but rewarding, and the young cop is amazed to be actually getting paid to do this. Being the police is fun! Every call for service gets the platinum treatment, not only because the young officer's FTO or sergeant expects it but because the officer is truly dedicated to providing the most thorough treatment of each and every call, no matter how serious.
Flash forward a few years and it feels like you are going to the same burglary calls, the same fights, the same domestics, and the same traffic crashes over and over–and over, again. Worse yet, many of your calls involve the same humanoids who are a) congenitally unable to learn from prior mistakes and, b) unwilling to relocate to any other jurisdiction despite years of police "harassment" over "stupid stuff" (i.e. vehicle theft, shoplifting, heroin distribution, etc…).
Of course the early enthusiasm for the job will wane, it is expected to, but how have the years affected who you are? Do you still like who you are? Do you still see yourself as doing important work? Despite a touch of cynicism, do you still provide high quality service? These questions are important because we (and probably you) have seen the results of depression, hopelessness, defeatism, and "going through the motions" in too many cops
Do you need an Attitude Adjustment?
We will repeatedly say this: many of the skills that keep you alive on the job can destroy you and your relationships if practiced off the job. One area to keep in check is your attitude as displayed through tone of voice, the words you choose, and how you express your daily frustrations with the stupidity in the world. If you see the world as a place filled with stupid people and morons, you probably need an adjustment. If you find you are "going cop" on family or friends, it's time to look at what to do different. This is a diffusion technique that helps you gain control of a potentially dangerous situation, but people in your "off-time" will resent you for these actions and possibly decide to stop being around you because their interactions with you are too negative. Instead think of how you can be less intense, more playful, fun, and positive.
What is your worldview?
When we mention Chuck E. Cheese or a children's' playground, do you automatically think "pedophile hangout?" Do you view most of your neighbors with suspicion? When you walk across a parking lot from the store to your car, are you constantly scanning for danger? If you see a couple having a loud argument; do you start gearing up to stop a domestic? Do you see the world as "us against them–and them is anyone who is not a cop?" Are you surprised most people survive the day without getting killed? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, your survival instincts are bleeding into your time away from work. Your worldview may be such that you see the world as a predominantly dangerous place, populated by dangerous people.
We know there is much bad in the world. We are not suggesting you throw caution to the wind, put blinders on, and blithely wander into dangerous situations. We are suggesting the "all is not well" worldview will cause decreased job satisfaction, increased personal anxiety, and make you a candidate for professional burnout. It can also cause turmoil in your relationships. Instead, remember most civilians make it safely through their days without a cop's instinct, but just using simple common sense. Now, how many of you laughed at that last statement? Start making changes to see the world from a non-LEO perspective in your off-time. If you are cynical and hard, it will take time to change your worldview. Be patient with your progress. When you have accomplished the changes you will actually find life more enjoyable and your relationships will be filled with less tension.
Are you bored at home?
Many cops experience boredom at home because their off time cannot compete with the sense of engagement and the adrenaline rushes of work. One trait many LEOs exhibit is rambling from one task to another without finishing what they started, much like a kid with ADD. Others find themselves sitting in one spot for long hours surfing television channels or the internet. Some lose themselves in the world of gaming (If your closest friend is a pasty, unemployed, Cheeto-dust-covered, 29-year-old "Elfin Warrior" living in his mother's basement and whom you've never met–you might have a problem). Extreme boredom may lead to depression that takes over your time away from work, or to inappropriate or dangerous behaviors to combat the boredom.
Boredom at home is often the effect of repeated adrenaline rushes taking a toll on your mind and body. It can also result from the dramatic swings cops have to make between their vigilant, tuned-in, "ready-to-go" work selves and their "safe-in-the-cave" at-home selves. Simply put, many cops have great difficulty finding the middle ground they need to occupy in order to be fully engaged with family and friends. It can simulate feelings and behaviors of depression such as wanting to be left alone, being easily frustrated, irritability, low motivation, and dissatisfaction with life. If this is you then get yourself out of this rut!!!!
Reinvest time and energy in your family and friends. Reconnect with old friends and dust off old hobbies, or make new friends and take up new hobbies. Put each work day completely behind you when you leave the department after every shift, to avoid burnout, but take up the yoke with all you have the next shift. This will maximize your effectiveness and enjoyment of your time both on and off duty. Give as much, or more, away from the job as you do on the job and see if you're your enjoyment of police work doesn't increase. Most importantly, do whatever you must to avoid becoming an emotional casualty of police work.
