If you’re like me (or like I was), there have been times you’ve wondered if you should be at work due to the previous night’s festivities. There are a myriad of reasons why there tends to be a phenomenon within some law enforcement professionals that never want the good times to end but as long as the good times are flowing, the feelings from the job simply had to wait.
When I started in the profession in 1996, I was an 18-year-old kid who graduated high school the week before my start employment date. I had to transition from the normal carefree disposition of most high school kids, to now worrying about the stress of holding a job in a paramilitary environment. Beginning in the county detention center made that transition a lot easier but I quickly realized that working in a jail wasn’t much different than attending high school.
A lot of the same people were there, some in orange and some in grey. The gossip was about the same too. Much like high school, when the workday was over, it didn’t end and only just began. We would leave the jail, and ended up in the desert, or a bar somewhere.
The Culture
At 18 years old, I wouldn’t normally have the ability to be involved in the after-work festivities, but my coworkers and supervisors made sure I could attend all of the necessary functions to be part of the club. Whether it entailed purchasing beer for me or sneaking me into the bar surrounded by cops wearing undershirts and uniform pants, I was part of “the team” and proved it on a nightly basis…after work.
There were many days at work, after one of our nights of “Choir Practice,” that I felt like I should probably be checking myself into the drunk tank. Being from a small town, I began drinking at an early age. The drinking part of it was nothing new to me, but what came later on was.
I was taught that drinking together was how you handled all of your stresses and emotions and bonded as partners. You didn’t talk about your feelings because that would make you seem weak. We worked in a profession where both sides could smell weakness and would use it to their advantage. This new way of dealing with life carried on years into my career even after I left the jail and was working as a sworn deputy.
By my mid-twenties, I had been through a lot of the normal traumas that most in our profession go through but beginning the career at 18 years old had made me the Doogie Howser of police work. I had learned a lot, been through a lot, and dealt with none of it, all at a very early age.
I experienced the gruesome scenes, the vulnerable victims, seeing people’s lives end way too early, and the one trauma that would shape the rest of my life, my childhood friend and partner was shot and killed in the line of duty. I chose not to drink until he was buried but after the funeral, it was business (or fun) as usual.
The Bottom
Drinking was how I coped with life, along with the accompanying trials and tribulations. That was until 2015 when I hit absolute rock bottom and was continuing to dig. That digging led me to beautiful Palm Springs, California. I always loved California and it was always a vacation destination for my family. I always wanted to live in California, so I got my wish, but I never dreamed it would be in a rehab facility under lock and key.
90 days later, I came out a freshly graduated rehabber with a new outlook on life. It wasn’t easy and it took a lot of work, but it can absolutely be done. We are a unique breed in this profession and the journey to getting help was actually the hardest part.
The Beginning
Once I broke down the long-engrained barriers that taught me to suck it up, drink your emotions, don’t talk about your feelings…and DON’T ask for help, I found a whole new world waiting for me.
It was actually a world I had always been living in but had been masked by the dark filter I put on it. Getting sober was not and is not all rainbows and sunshine. Life still sucks, but I learned how to deal with life on life’s terms. Learning this new way of dealing with life has me happy and proud to say I am a 9 year “graduate” of rehab.
This is one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. There is help out there for all of us if we need it. Taking the first step is the hardest, but well worth it.
Hunter Rankin is a Sheriff’s Commander in Arizona with over 24 years experience in law enforcement. He is a graduate of the Northwestern Police School of Staff and Command, Class 453 and the Arizona Leadership Program Class 4. He currently leads the Criminal Investigations Bureau in a medium sized agency. He has command experience in Patrol, Traffic, Training, Dispatch, Internal Affairs and Human Resources. He has 9 years of sobriety from Michael’s House of Palm Springs, CA and Palm Desert Recovery Center in Palm Desert, CA. He is a strong advocate for wellness and recovery in law enforcement.
