Since 1966, everyone has come to know the Mirada Warning. (Especially those of us who carried a Miranda Warning card in a uniform pocket while serving in a law enforcement capacity.)
I still have my issued card stuck somewhere, but as with the most of us, the phrasing is etched in my professional memory, even though I no longer need it.
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to…”
With the passage of time, other similar issues have arisen in my profession that make Ernesto Miranda’s contribution to history seem almost benign.
I give you the 2023:
WOKE WARNING CARD
You have the right to be offended by anything, by anyone, by any statement, or any situation, real or imaginary.
Anything I say may trigger you, and that is my fault alone—mea culpa!
You have the right to be addressed by any pronoun or letter grouping regardless of how you appear, dress, act, or look at any given moment.
If you do not have a social cause, or restorative justice group available, one will be provided to you regardless of the expense and trouble that it becomes.
You are always right, and I am always wrong (c/o The 1967 Berkeley Amendment).
You have the right to be impossibly thin-skinned and ignore any/all verified history of your choice.
Corollary: If verified history is not to your liking, you may (without penalty) vandalize or destroy any artifact, statue, painting/public work of art, et all, that does not align with your “woke viewpoint of history.” This also permits the removing of books from public libraries. (Please see the 1939 Munich Book Burning guidebook by A. Hitler.)
You have the absolute right to free speech while denying that right to others who don’t agree with your narrow point of view.
You may also attempt to destroy professionally or personally any person or organization that does not agree with your viewpoints.
If you do not have a civil rights attorney on speed dial, I will cease talking to you in any manner until such time as he/she/they/them arrives via limousine.
Civil rights violation lawsuit forms, (state and federal), will be provided to you upon your no-bail release from detention, regardless of what multiple felonies you were falsely accused of.
I hereby admit to abusing my ethnic, racial, gender, ageist, political, other privilege.
You have the right to be questioned by a person of your ethnic, racial, gender identity, social conscience, age-grouping choice.
You have a right to have everything explained to you in the language of your choice, even if no such translator is available, and even if you do not understand the language that you demanded.
You have a right to have everything that happens to you repeatedly explained to you as many times as you wish. (Limit 100 times per hour.)
You have the First Amendment right to yell and scream at me as much as you wish, for any or no apparent reason. You are further entitled to ignore anything I say to you, even when you are a clear and present danger to myself and others.
You have the right to lie to me and insult me as much as you desire.
Food and beverages of your ethnic or dietary choice will be provided to you at no expense upon demand.
You have a right to cross police crowd control lines simply by claiming to be a member of some media organization. NOTE: No media ID of any sort is required to do this. Police are required to take your unverified word for it.
You have the right to disrupt any public gathering or meeting simply by calling yourself an “activist.”
You have the right to give disjointed, biased, and nonsensical interviews to the one-sided mass media outlet of your choice.
You may ignore any real facts and or evidence if it contradicts whatever narrative you are spinning at the moment.
You may accuse any law enforcement officer of “police brutality” with no proof of any kind. Your accusations will be considered valid until such time as your civil lawsuit is settled for an undisclosed (massive) monetary payment.
Any video recording that you supply to the media, a Police Internal Investigation unit, or a Court of Law will be considered undoubted prima facia evidence, even if it can be proven that it was “edited” to change the entire context of the recording.
This Woke Warning card is supplied by your local “Pontificating and Posturing Lawyers Chapter” and the Bored of Stupidvisors of this City.
Ernesto Miranda was freed from prison as a result of his landmark Supreme Court decision. He had been serving a 20-30 year term for rape and armed robbery.
Miranda was released in December of 1975. He was killed in a bar fight in January 1976.
No doubt that when the police arrested the man accused of this murder, they read him his Miranda Rights.